Social Contract Revisited
Last week I wrote about the values behind the US Constitution, emphasizing free speech and limited government, issues on which most Americans agree.
Several people pointed out that it also contains values on which Americans seriously disagree, like the second amendment. Also, that it hasn’t been amended since 1992 and then only to limit congressional pay raises.
We need a better framework to indentify shared values and then use them to resolve conflict. Here goes:
Shared Values — Short Exercise
Step 1: Identify some of your core values. Use these lists to help with brainstorming:
- Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead List of Values
- The Ultimate List of Core Values by Scott Jeffery
- The UN’s 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Which values seem like you? Which ones seem alien? Or irrelevant?
Step 2: Explore where they intersect with the values of people you care about — what values do you share, even if you disagree ideologically?
Remember that we have far more in common with other people than we have differences. That said, it’s easy to trigger people and dialog falters once defenses go up.
Reflection: When you’re upset with someone, can you withhold judgment, assume goodwill, then approach with no expectations and a willingness to listen and learn? Too much? Hopeless? Risky? Or worth trying?
How to Have Difficult Conversations
Dialog, teamwork, common goals, and love all transcend conflict. Honestly, most deological differences are distant fictions — food on the table matters far more.
Prepare yourself and your goals before approaching a difficult conversation. Use this Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversationsby Judy Ringer as a guide.
What outcomes do you want? Being able to talk to an estranged relative? You likely won’t change their minds, but honesty might make you both feel better.
This TED talk by Adar Cohen explains both why it’s important and How to Lead Tough Conversations
Ready to Act?
- Warm up the conversation. Stay positive, spend time on small talk before taking up more challenging issues.
- Invite a limited dialog about finding commonality, and express a desire to clear the air.
- Acknowldege that it could be challenging and respect their wishes if they decline, possibly suggesting another time or just “down the road.”
- Work together to identify and celebrate common ground.
- Ask questions like, what values do we share? What do you care most about? What do you hope for? What are you worried about?
- What do you share in their responses? What core values emerge?
- Invite a deeper conversation about difficult issues that nonetheless need resolution.
- Stop and continue later if it gets testy. If it’s hopeless, agree on how to relate anyway.
- Express gratitude